Q and I used to share a blog at 650miles.com called Where Are The Naked Pictures? The 650 miles in the domain was the round-trip distance between our houses during our long-distance relationship, and the where are the naked pictures was Q’s idea of a funny name for a blog. I think we had the blog for about two years until we stopped having fun with it. He and I are at our best when working on similar projects separately. Instead of sharing fantasy sports teams as co-owners, for example, we each have our own team in the same league. Stuff like that.
Anyway, as I was going through some of our old posts (I was actually looking for the post I’d written in January 2007 that he’d left his very first comment on, which is how we met in the first place) I ran across some of Q’s posts from 650miles.com. My husband is such a funny writer, I wish I could talk him into starting another blog, but alas…
March 26-March30
From October 2008…
Look at your hands right now. Did you wash them after the last time you did your evil in the restroom? Be honest. Nobody is listening, and giggling. I promise
A study was released this week that shows a third of men do not wash their hands after using a public restroom. And women? Better than one out of ten of y’all are swine, too. Sickening. I am very disgusted and somewhat aroused.
Could this study be true? Haven’t I routinely witnessed co-workers intent on spreading their magical crotch magic to the rest of the office masked as hellos and open-mouthed kisses?
“How are you, Q? Still having all of that legal trouble?” a co-worker asked while rubbing my face during our handshake, then planting one on me.
“Oh, just a little,” I say, remembering the 15 minutes before when I watched him sprinting out of the restroom while giving the sink a stiff arm.
Because I am a blogger (which is Latin for “more important than you”), I decided to do my own research. I bought a lab coat, a clipboard made out of surgical steel, then fashioned a crude police badge from some old box tops. I stationed myself inside our office restroom. Not more than five minutes into my experiment, a woman slapped me for peeking under her stall, clearly not respecting my lab coat.
I had a hunch I’d have better luck in the men’s room, so I packed up my digital camera and adult magazines, put on a new disguise, and went next door. The first of my male co-workers came in. “Hey Q, why are you dressed like the Easter Bunny in a lab coat?”
He caught me so off-guard, my Australian accent failed me.
“Hola mi amigo!” I said so loudly, I startled myself.
He walked into the stall, and I saw his pants hit the floor. As he took up his residency, another guy came in. It was my good friend CyberD, but for the sake of anonymity, I will call him Mr. My Crotch is Your Crotch. He stood in front of the urinal.
“So why the bunny suit, Q? You doing kids’ parties again?”
I barked to throw him off my scent.
After he was finished, he karate kicked the urinal handle, and walked right out the door, smiling at me. Disgusting.
The guy in the stall—Stall Man—then flushed and opened the stall door.
“So long, lil’ bunny Q!” he said, and left without a drop of soap or water on his hands.
It’s official—100% of the men in my office do not wash their hands after unleashing bathroom anger, and 100% of the women hate science.
Cool beans. No need doing research in my house. I keep screaming not to use 5 pumps of soap every time cause there are hungry children somewhere having to pick those vanilla beans so males in my house can have supple hands.
Sometimes I forget to wash my hands and I don’t remember that I forgot untilI find myself biting my nails. Oops!
I took Latin for 5 years in school and I believe what Q said is the correct translation. Hilarious! And we finally got to see a pic!
We’re all right here in this photo!
Equal parts hilarious and disgusting. Love it! 🙂
As I read, I was trying to remember if I had washed my hands… Agreed that Q should start another blog. Good stuff!
Hilarious! Thank you so much for sharing this.
Is that an actual photo of Q there? You mean I got a glimpse of him?! (-:
He is a fantastic and funny writer. I make a movement that we force him to blog again (after all it’s Latin for “more important than you” – ha!)
Now – silly question – is he from Australia or am I just not catching his drift? I have a thing for Australians, Erica.
Thanks for linking up my friend – and thanks for the blog badge, I’ve become so attached to it. (-:
Ha, yes, that’s a photo of him on your link up. And, no, he’s not Australian. He was just using his Australian-Spanish accent to disguise his voice in the men’s room like anyone else would.
I’m glad you love the button so much. It’s one of my favorites.
I’m with Ado … the Latin phrase killed me dead, which is appropriate since Latin is a dead language. (sorry – that was bad, eh?)
I am trying to improve the ‘washing hands’ habit at home with my two boys, complete with signs reminding them to wash hands. Alas, I cannot say with confidence that the washing of hands takes place.
Q – you are a funny writer, and your stats (related to hand washing) are dead on. However, I love science.
Now I have the bunny from Harvey stuck in my head. At least it’s not the seriously disturbing Donnie Darko rabbit hopping all over my consciousness.
Very funny on a few different levels. And true. “I am the 10%!” Totally true. Really.
No, really.
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
“Crotch magic” just killed me. Thanks for celebrating with us, you’re awesome!
Oh – Ha!
“Because I am a blogger which is Latin for “I am more important than you”! HAHAHA!
Loved this.
Love that you are celebrating us “early”!