Because, really, why else do our bodies become permanent life hosts to organisms that suck our bank accounts dry then complain we never get them anything they want? They leave the door open, make the floors sticky, throw up in our hair. The universe is no fool: we are implanted with hormones that propel us toward sex and convince us that perpetuating the human species is better than continuing our education or traveling the world without six mini-mes sucking on our boobs.
So.
This week’s Monday Listicles prompt 10 tips for new mothers happens to come during a week that I’m not feeling very altruistic in my role as breeder. The Cro-Magnon roamed naked for one good reason: no fucking laundry.
- Your pre-natal vitamins should come fortified with a household of servants.
- Your co-parent, no matter how loving, no matter how wonderful a parent, needs to STFU.
- Unless he or she is asking you what you want for dinner while praising you for being a fully functional adult with three mini-mes stuck to your leg and two trying to bite off your boob.
- The TV is now your forever best friend. Not your sister, not your mother (OMG, just no), not your co-parent. It’s either AMC, Bravo or HBO. While you’re decorating your future little ingrate’s lair, pick up a very large HDTV for the room that will very soon become your wildlife refuge. Your refuge from wildlife.
- Forget the brave face. When it’s time to scream, it’s time to scream. Not at the babies, though. Never at the babies.
- Maintain your online social network. We’re the only ones who get you.
- Maintain your family and offline friends network. You will need babysitters.
- If you are feeling detached from your baby and just don’t feel this love thing everybody’s been talking about, tell your doctor immediately. It could be exhaustion, it could be something more serious.
- Stay away from WebMD. That rash on your baby’s butt is.not.cancer.
- The Nuva-Ring. Take that, universe.
I agree that number 2 applies to everyone who’s not the parent, not just your co-parent. Love this list – and especially agree with #4!
OK, so STFU, unless I’m talking to you or the babies? Got it!
This list is seriously awesome! I love the humorous take on it.
OMG – I don’t say this much, but…. Bwwaaa haaa haaa haa! I am dying right now! There’s nothing like a good ol’ rant to put a little sunshine in my day! You are somethin else, girl.
Amen! I think between you and I we covered pregnancy, birth, & the first few months with the perfect amount of reality & sarcasm.
I had such a good time writing my post on this topic but I have to admit I am having a blast reading everyone elses posts and I must say that I truly laughed to tears on yours. It’s really funny when you are reading it but when you are right in the middle of it ..not so much…I have been there, done that (wouldn’t trade the memories though) and I still wish some people woud STFU to be honest with you, lol. Love your site, headed to follow you on twitter and facebook!
When you first have a baby (or two0 everyone needs to STFU.
Best list ever.
You are hilarious. I can sense your frustration at the whole idea of procreation. With #10 especially. Can Catholics use that?
Oh my gosh…funniest list ever!!! This so cracked me up!
You are so right about number 9. I never watched so much tv as I did while nursing my first. I watched every Without Trace episode and still found time to become a permanent fixture in front of the tv when The View was on and Regis and Kelly.
HAHA, the nuvaring. I tried that, and I swear, it doesn’t stay IN. I’m like, prairie doggin’ it in the middle of teaching a class and running to the restroom every five minutes to put it back where it goes.
Hated it.
TMI? 🙂
Not TMI, just confusion. I wonder why it wouldn’t stay put?
It fit really snug and stayed put for about 15 minutes; then it got loose and kept falling off, and sliding down my pants leg…
Erica, cranky looks good on you. I like it! Six mini-mes and just two boobs? Really? You’re my hero, which is to say you are the example that I will recall whenever I think my day is sucking. “When it’s time to scream, it’s time to scream. Not at the babies, though. Never at the babies.” L.O.L.
I love your kind of funny! Great stuff. You should write a book, your advice is better then WebMD and Google combined.
Your WebMD is my google! Ha! We had the same idea. 🙂
So true about TV. Don’t fight it – EMBRACE it. We got Tivo because I got tired of watching reruns on Bravo and if I had to spend 18 hours a day nursing on the couch I deserved a little prime time in the daytime love.
And don’t read that free copy of What to Expect the First Year which really should be called Panic Inducing Suggestions for Fear and OverParenting. But a subscription to People magazine is a worthwhile investment at this time 😉
Hahahaha!! Brilliant! OMG #9, yes, stay the eff away from WebMD!