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Q and I used to share a blog at 650miles.com called Where Are The Naked Pictures? The 650 miles in the domain was the round-trip distance between our houses during our long-distance relationship, and the where are the naked pictures was Q’s idea of a funny name for a blog. I think we had the blog for about two years until we stopped having fun with it. He and I are at our best when working on similar projects separately. Instead of sharing fantasy sports teams as co-owners, for example, we each have our own team in the same league. Stuff like that.

Anyway, as I was going through some of our old posts (I was actually looking for the post I’d written in January 2007 that he’d left his very first comment on, which is how we met in the first place) I ran across some of Q’s posts from 650miles.com. My husband is such a funny writer, I wish I could talk him into starting another blog, but alas…

March 26-March30

 

From October 2008…

Look at your hands right now. Did you wash them after the last time you did your evil in the restroom? Be honest. Nobody is listening, and giggling. I promise

A study was released this week that shows a third of men do not wash their hands after using a public restroom. And women? Better than one out of ten of y’all are swine, too. Sickening. I am very disgusted and somewhat aroused.

Could this study be true? Haven’t I routinely witnessed co-workers intent on spreading their magical crotch magic to the rest of the office masked as hellos and open-mouthed kisses?

“How are you, Q? Still having all of that legal trouble?” a co-worker asked while rubbing my face during our handshake, then planting one on me.

“Oh, just a little,” I say, remembering the 15 minutes before when I watched him sprinting out of the restroom while giving the sink a stiff arm.

Because I am a blogger (which is Latin for “more important than you”), I decided to do my own research. I bought a lab coat, a clipboard made out of surgical steel, then fashioned a crude police badge from some old box tops. I stationed myself inside our office restroom. Not more than five minutes into my experiment, a woman slapped me for peeking under her stall, clearly not respecting my lab coat.

I had a hunch I’d have better luck in the men’s room, so I packed up my digital camera and adult magazines, put on a new disguise, and went next door. The first of my male co-workers came in. “Hey Q, why are you dressed like the Easter Bunny in a lab coat?”

He caught me so off-guard, my Australian accent failed me.

“Hola mi amigo!” I said so loudly, I startled myself.

He walked into the stall, and I saw his pants hit the floor. As he took up his residency, another guy came in. It was my good friend CyberD, but for the sake of anonymity, I will call him Mr. My Crotch is Your Crotch. He stood in front of the urinal.

“So why the bunny suit, Q? You doing kids’ parties again?”

I barked to throw him off my scent.

After he was finished, he karate kicked the urinal handle, and walked right out the door, smiling at me. Disgusting.

The guy in the stall—Stall Man—then flushed and opened the stall door.

“So long, lil’ bunny Q!” he said, and left without a drop of soap or water on his hands.

It’s official—100% of the men in my office do not wash their hands after unleashing bathroom anger, and 100% of the women hate science.

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