fbpx

Because, really, why else do our bodies become permanent life hosts to organisms that suck our bank accounts dry then complain we never get them anything they want? They leave the door open, make the floors sticky, throw up in our hair. The universe is no fool: we are implanted with hormones that propel us toward sex and convince us that perpetuating the human species is better than continuing our education or traveling the world without six mini-mes sucking on our boobs.

So.

This week’s Monday Listicles prompt 10 tips for new mothers happens to come during a week that I’m not feeling very altruistic in my role as breeder. The Cro-Magnon roamed naked for one good reason: no fucking laundry.

  1. Your pre-natal vitamins should come fortified with a household of servants.
  2. Your co-parent, no matter how loving, no matter how wonderful a parent, needs to STFU.
  3. Unless he or she is asking you what you want for dinner while praising you for being a fully functional adult with three mini-mes stuck to your leg and two trying to bite off your boob.
  4. The TV is now your forever best friend. Not your sister, not your mother (OMG, just no), not your co-parent. It’s either AMC, Bravo or HBO. While you’re decorating your future little ingrate’s lair, pick up a very large HDTV for the room that will very soon become your wildlife refuge. Your refuge from wildlife.
  5. Forget the brave face. When it’s time to scream, it’s time to scream. Not at the babies, though. Never at the babies.
  6. Maintain your online social network. We’re the only ones who get you.
  7. Maintain your family and offline friends network. You will need babysitters.
  8. If you are feeling detached from your baby and just don’t feel this love thing everybody’s been talking about, tell your doctor immediately. It could be exhaustion, it could be something more serious.
  9. Stay away from WebMD. That rash on your baby’s butt is.not.cancer.
  10. The Nuva-Ring. Take that, universe.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This